Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Focus, Fokus, Konsantre.

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
Steven Wright

Though this quote doesn't describe my state of mind 100% accurately, it does simply convey my constant struggle to "be here" all of the time. I get so frustrated with myself when I can't focus on a single task without my mind wandering home. I think I get so frustrated with myself because I didn't struggle with this at all last summer during my time in Haiti. I know that circumstances are different, and I left the country on different terms than I did last year, but I still cannot rap my head around my absentmindedness.

One difference I see is not having time to just "be" with God. Living in a house with 5 other people and having tasks throughout the day doesn't leave much alone time. I find myself building up frustrations and prayers and not giving myself time to sit, be silent, and listen. I've never really had this feeling before, and it is not clear to me how important my "still time" is to me. That's how I refuel. It doesn't matter if I read, pray, sit and stare at a wall, or (my favorite) sing... the point is that I need it. I don't even think I've really had a chance to mourn the things that are happening in my world at home. My heart is heavy and I've been looking for healing in all the wrong places.

I don't write this post to say that I am miserable here, it's quite the opposite actually. I love where I'm at, who I'm working with, and who I am serving. This has been a stretching experience so far, and I really look forward to the rest of the summer. I have laughed a lot, and have loved a lot. I have learned so many new things about myself, my team, and what it is like to live in this country. I've also learned more about God's kingdom and what it will be like when it comes. God has BIG things going in this country and I am humbled by the fact that He let me be a part of this plan for the summer.

However, I do ask for prayer. I pray (and I hope you will to) that God will redirect my thoughts. I NEED to focus on what He has for me here. I pray that I will begin to trust that He will take care of my family while I'm away, and that He will bring justice to the entire situation. I pray that I will find time to just be quiet, and listen for direction from God. Lastly, I pray for opportunities here with the women of the villages we visit. I pray that they feel open with us, and feel comfortable with us. 

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