Waiting.

The past few months have been hard for me.

As most of you know, my goal is to be back in Bosnia sometime in the beginning of next year. Since January, I've been working on that goal. I was able to attend an amazing training with the organization that is sending me that prepared me for the taking the next steps in this journey and equipped me for support-raising. Chomping at the bit, I could not wait to get everything set up and start rolling. My eyes were on Bosnia and I didn't think that anything could separate me from getting there as soon as possible. 

Then, it happened...

Three women quit between the two preschools I work at. I knew my workload would increase, but I knew thought that they would be able to find replacements fairly quickly. Well, they did. Unfortunately, none of them lasted more than a week. Many wouldn't even show up for their first day. This went on for a few months. In the meantime, my hours skyrocketed. There were many days where I opened the preschool at 6:30am and wouldn't get off until 8:30pm. That wouldn't be a big deal if that only happened once or twice, but it became a regular part of my week. I was to the point that I would come home, sit on the couch just to talk to my parents about their day for a few minutes, and then go right to bed because I had to get up at 5:20am to do it all over again. Meanwhile, I was being told that it was just temporary if I could just make a little longer. Days became weeks and weeks became months. 

Complacency plagued me. Not that I believed that I was being complacent in my pursuit of getting to Bosnia. I knew that there were small things I could be doing to help further the process even if I couldn't start support-raising and I definitely was not satisfied with my effort. My complacency rested in not looking for God's purpose from the end of January to April. For me, the easiest route was just to play the "poor me" game and act like a victim of terrible work circumstances. It was easier to complain about it than to be joyful through it. My eyes were fixed to focus on the bad, when God was doing so much around me.

In the last few months, God has:

-given me the opportunity to learn work effectively with children

(I've been the lead preschool teacher since September and I'm just now getting things figured out)

-allowed me to truly get to know the families of my preschoolers

-grown me through situations that push me outside of my comfort zone

-allowed me the opportunity to re-establish in my home church after 4 years of college and internships

-allowed me to grown closer to my family 

-provided the funds for me to pay my way for 3 out of 4 trainings from the extra money from all of those extra hours, allowing me to not be too far behind in the process of going back to Bosnia

-given me the opportunity to help lead a precious group of 5th and 6th grade girls

-given me a wonderful group of young women to surround myself with (S/O to my small group)

-taught me patience and trust; I know in my heart God has placed Bosnia on my heart and now I have trust in His timing and let go of mine. 

Those are just a few among the many ways that I've seen God work in my waiting, even if I have just now taken the time to see it and be thankful for it. He is so patient with us. Also, I am in a really good place to start support raising and plan on doing so starting next week. Praise God! This girl needs to get back to the Balkans. :) 

***I would also like to say that I LOVE my job, I LOVE my bosses, and I LOVE my coworkers. We all got through the rough time together and things are finally looking up. God has blessed me with a great place to work. 

Becoming Bitter.

I'm tired of blogs about waiting for your prince charming, things to do/you're not a failure articles for 20 somethings, and "relevant" Christians weighing in singleness in the church.

Just stop.

Why do we search for comfort in other peoples' triumph stories and cling to hope birthed from their earthly happiness? Why do we rank accomplishments in our life such as getting married, having kids, and having a successful career in front of the one thing that God put us on this earth to do?

Don't get me wrong, I am all for all of those things. Though these things are good, I'm not going to throw away what I believe are wonderful opportunities out of fear of going into ministry as a single woman. Yes, I want to get married. That is something that has been one of my deepest desires for as long as I can remember. Yes, I want to have children. I want to raise them up in knowing their God-given purpose and instill in them the hope that needs to be spread through this world like wildfire. Both of these are things that I desire deep down within my heart, but neither of them will ever debilitate my ministry if they do not become a reality in my life.

I have grown so worn, saddened, and tired from the question of whether or not I am going to wait until I find a husband before I start my ministry.  Am I so crazy for thinking that God isn't limited by my marital status? Not only do I get questioned about my future love life, but I also get drilled about how I need to look for a job that will make me some good money so that I can live a life that is financially comfortable. The last time I checked, Jesus said "go." He didn't say "go" after you find a husband, "go" after you are settled in with children, and he didn't say "don't go" because you've found yourself a wonderful career opportunity. He flat-out just said to GO.

"Go" for some people may be 5 minutes down the street or it might be in a country you barely know anything about. Where does not matter... God can use you wherever you may find yourself. What matters is that you are being obedient to His commands and telling of the hope that is in Christ.

Here's my beef with Christians who are posting these blogs: We, as a church, are feeding ourselves the idea that God owes us something whether it's a partner, a good job, children, etc. We've become demanding consumers of God's blessings. We see others' circumstances and we demand that God honor those desires of our hearts. But here's the problem... God doesn't owe us anything. In fact, we all deserve only one thing, and one thing only. That one thing is death. It doesn't matter if we have sinned once or a million times, we all deserve death. Depressing, right? But here comes the wonderful truth: God gave us hope through His son and He defeated death by death. As far as I'm concerned, Jesus is enough.

JESUS. IS. ENOUGH. He is more than any happiness marriage, children, or worldly success could ever bring me. He will sustain me and give me joy in all areas of life. He is all I need.

So whenever I start to doubt whether God can use me as I am, I will ask myself, "Is Jesus enough?" The moment I stop answering that question with a "yes" will be the moment that I have failed myself and God. I pray that moment will never come to pass and that I never put limitations on God's ability to use me as a single woman. Jesus is enough and He is everything.

Wake Up Call

I read a startling and sad statistic tonight:
20% of "non-Christians" in North America do not know a single Christ follower...
WHAT?!?
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2013/august-web-only/non-christians-who-dont-know-christians.html

This is not okay. At all. Not only are we, as Christ followers, dropping the ball in the realm of loving our neighbor, but we are missing valuable opportunities to invest in peoples lives... people whom God loves deeply and from whom we could learn a lot from. This statistic screams disregard for the second greatest commandment that Jesus gave: LOVE OTHERS.

We need to step out of our protective and comfortable "Christian bubbles." I do not say that to belittle the importance of community within the church, but there comes a point when we restrict ourselves too greatly out of fear of people who are different from us. Jesus went to the Gentiles, and we need to go to people of other faiths to share in community with them. Own the lostness around you and start loving people without discrimination due to religion.

If we aren't proclaiming the gospel, what are we doing? Answer: Not fulfilling God's call for our lives. We have an incredible opportunity as Americans. Our country is bursting with diversity. Take advantage of that and expand your worldview. We have the greatest truth that anyone could ever hear and it would be awfully selfish to keep it to ourselves. In fact, if we love God as much as we like to say we do, we wouldn't be able to keep the gospel to ourselves. We are commanded to be the hands of feet of Jesus... so, GO!

Fear.

Since coming to here in June, one phrase has been burned into my mind and heart: You're living in fear. Usually, it's used for simple and almost comic circumstances, such as when I fled in fear of the massive June bugs as we racked hay one evening or when Jeff would get a little crazy behind the wheel on our way to Goražde. But in the few times that it hasn't been a joke, there are deep and almost sickening implications laying behind such a seemingly simple statement. You're living in fear. What does that even mean? Well, I am here to tell you what that has meant for me in the last two months.

First, I think it would be beneficial to see what the world defines as fear:
Fear (noun) is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

What does fear mean in the lives of those who follow Christ?
Living in fear should not even be an option for those who are pursuing Christ with everything in them. "The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." (Romans 8:15) Fear is not of God, and it is God who casts it out with His love. Not living in fear is realizing that your life is not your own. What would happen in the world if Christians quit living in fear? Fear of discomfort. Fear of rejection. Fear of leaving the American dream. Fear of leaving family and loved ones. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of death... I am convinced that this world be completely turned upside-down.

Jesus told His followers to "go". Whether that is in your neighborhood, community, state, country, or in a country you didn't even knew existed, GO. Too often we skim over those uncomfortable and challenging passages in the bible such as The Rich Ruler in Luke 18. Church, we have become too attached to earthly things like family, marriage (finding the right person and then you can worry about serving God after), the American dream, possessions, and being comfortable. We have become so afraid of leaving the things we have become used to behind and fail to realize that we are actually elevating those things above God. Just thinking about leaving those things makes us anxious because we have never known anything else.

Fear is a choice. It is a choice to place a veil over your eyes to block out things that God could be calling you to. If we truly love God and truly believe in His promises, there is no room for fear in our lives. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." (1 John 4:18) My guess is (and I am speaking for myself at this time) is that if fear of "going" is holding me back from building God's kingdom on earth, I need to seriously reevaluate my love for and commitment to Christ.

I often think of Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go! and subconsciously replace the word "you'll" with "you could." "Could have" is probably my least favorite phrase in the English language, closely followed by "would have" and "should have." These phrases carry the implication of failure to me. Usually, they come to mind when I think of missed opportunities. I am not one to dwell on past, but I would be lying if I said that they don't bring me some sadness when I hear them being spoken of my life. It for this reason that I have recently challenged myself to immediately stop and go back as soon as I realize that a opportunity is in danger of becoming a "should have," "would have," or "could have" situation. The grips of my fear of certain situations and what could come from them is becoming less and less powerful. Let's not be a church of "would/should/could haves" and let's be driven by our love of Christ to serve.

All of this craziness to say, I have been prayerfully considering coming back here full time after school. The more I am here, the more God is revealing to me truth that I, myself, have veiled my eyes from seeing and ears from hearing. I am pursuing God's plans for me here and I truly believe that God is opening my eyes to the lostness here and opportunities that exist for me to involve myself in here. Fear is not going to have a hold on my life in this decision. Yes, I love my family dearly and will miss a lot of really important events in their lives being here. Yes, I will miss my incredible friends and their company. Yes, I do believe that God could use me at home, in America. BUT 1) all of those things are comfortable and 2) none of those things come before God. None of them. This is me making the conscious decision to put God first and not living in fear. He already crushed fear on the cross... hallelujah!

That's where I am in this very moment. Stay tuned for updates and more of the craziness that happens in my head.

Never Ceasing.

Rest seems to be scarce these days.
Not because I don't get enough time to sleep at night.
Not because I have been working too vigorously.
Not because I don't take opportunities throughout the day to take a moment and recollect myself.
No, this is more like a spiritual unrest. Why? Honestly, I have no idea. Is it bad? I don't think so. What I do know is that because of this state of unrest, I have had many opportunities arise from it.

My mind never stops going. Or should I say my prayers never stop going. No, they are not fancy, complicated ones. Just simply prayers about doubts, fears, feelings of inadequacy, being overwhelmed, asking for strength, opportunities, clarity, and the list goes on and on...

For the overwhelming majority of my life, prayer had always been an incredibly intimidating action to me. Perhaps it was through the fear of being the one in the youth group called out to close the evening of fellowship with a group prayer or listening to people (who I believed to be much higher than me in "God's ranks of spirituality") who had these wonderful, complex prayers with words I had never even dreamed of. Bottom line: I felt inadequate when it came to corporate prayer. But those feelings didn't stop there. My fear carried over into my personal prayer life. I felt as though I shouldn't talk to God unless I had something important to say or unless I had this eloquent doxology prepared. My view of God was extremely flawed.

As a young believer, I read 1 Thessalonians 5:17 and instantly felt this strange sense of oppression. Was it even possible to go throughout your entire day without ceasing to pray? I didn't think so, at least for myself. This passage, which was meant to eschatologically encourage the believers in Thessalonica seemed to have the opposite effect on me. I have only begun to understand what Paul meant in this past year. Being in constant prayer isn't fumbling around like a man trying desperately to keep an inevitably dying conversation going with a woman who is clearly not interested, but being in a union of spirit. It's seeing the world around you through spiritually tuned eyes. It's about constantly being open to opportunities and then being obedient to the ones that the spirit leads you to. It's about making God a part of every aspect of your day and always being mindful of the hope that He has given you.  

As I reflect on this past week, I am thankful for this "unrest". In fact, I think I have finally fallen out of a deep sleep of sorts and am finally trying to become in tune to where the spirit is leading. Throughout the next weeks, months, etc., I am going to challenge myself to look at the world around me in a different way. I have been "resting" for far too long, and the result has been me becoming numb to my surroundings, even in a somewhat new context, such as Bosnia.

How has my view of prayer changed in the last few years? Now I see that prayer is:
Prayer is communion. Prayer is a refuge. Prayer is vulnerable. Prayer is messy. Prayer is desperate. Prayer is comforting. Prayer is stretching. Prayer is love. Prayer is encouraging. Prayer is direct. Prayer is something to be treasured. Prayer is a necessity. Prayer is personal.

God knows the depths of my heart. All day, every day. He knows what I need before I ask for it. I am thankful that God desires me as the filthy human that I am, who is in desperate need of His love and grace. Recognizing that is enough for Him. I thankful for a God who is in constantly opens doors, encourages us, challenges us, and speaks to us. He desires to be in communion with His people (which blows my mind). HALLELUIAH!

Saying Goodbye and Swallowing Pride.

This has been a sad week for my friends here:
This week we said goodbye to our friend, Sega, who has been close friends with The workers here basically since they moved to Bosnia. On Saturday morning, Sega ended his battle with liver cancer. Though I did not spend a ton of time with Sega, I do not that every second spent with him was a joy. From doing corny push ups on the wall of the house while he waited on us, to almost getting run over by a semi while doing aerobics in the road, Sega kept us entertained. His kindness will never be forgotten among those whose lives he touched.
Another dear friend to The full time workers lost her husband yesterday morning. They have been spending their time trying to comfort these two families and helping them out in any way possible.

I say all of this to say that though I have only been in for a little under 2 weeks, this summer has been nothing like I thought it would be. But I am now realizing that that is OKAY.

My selfishness has been in overdrive this week, and I am embarrassed to even share this. The in the past few days, two sweet families' lives were being changed forever and all I could think about is when I'm going to be able dive into my projects for the next six months. Sometimes, I get so caught up in whether or not I'm being "used" by God and I'm not even giving God room to use me in the place that He needs me most.

God has a way of smacking us in the face with hard truths in times of extreme selfishness. As believers, we want to believe that God has a huge and complex plan for each and every second of our lives...

Church, we've missed the point.

Yes, we are vessels of love. Yes, we are the hands and feet. Yes, God has given us purpose. But, am I so crazy for thinking that maybe God doesn't have a specific plan for our lives? Am I crazy for thinking that God doesn't present us with a right or wrong path when it comes to college, jobs, etc.? Why do we have to limit God's ability to move in our lives?

To relate back to my situation: Why do I believe that I have to be in a specific outreach/role to be effective here? Answer: I shouldn't, and I think this belief is rooted deep within the pride of believers today. Maybe what God is trying to teach me is to be in the moment and not to limit His ability to move in my everyday conversations and actions. After all, our God-given purpose is to solely live it out and tell of the hope that He has given us. If we are doing that in whatever place or situation we may find ourselves in, I truly believe that God is at work.

All of this craziness to say, God can use you wherever you are. Quit worrying about pleasing Him with your decisions on where to go in the future and live out your God-given purpose NOW. Own the lostness around you and just live for Him.

Note: I'm not saying that God doesn't call certain people to certain places to work. I'm simply saying that many believers are wasting precious time trying to figure their direction out, while they missing the chance to let God move in their current setting. God is not limited to our situations.

Things to Come.

This week, my team sat down with the full-time workers here to discuss options for the rest of our time here. I will be spending the next 6 months with two wonderful girls, both of whom are staying in Bosnia for a year. Coming to Bosnia, all I knew was that I needed to fulfill my teaching English but that certainly is not all I wanted to do while I was here.

Before I came to Bosnia, I knew that whatever I did overseas, I wanted to work with special needs. In Haiti, that was an easy ministry to get into because there was a special needs orphanage right now campus. The Miriam Center is such an incredible ministry and it was a blessing to be able to be apart of ministry there all of that summer. Like in Haiti, people with special needs are somewhat outcasts in society in Bosnia. Until recently, there really wasn't any programs or intuitions to work with them. Not knowing if there was even an option to do so, I asked the full-timers if there was any chance of me connecting with a special needs program here and they said YES! I will be going with Jeff (full-time worker) to check out a place where I potentially serve for the next 6 months.

Another wonderful surprise that should be starting up soon are accordion lessons. Words cannot even describe how happy I am about this! Jeff told me the possibilities of this happening. The most likely option would be to trade me teaching English classes for accordion lessons from a man up in one of the villages I will be working in. No matter what, I will find a way for this to happen. I was made to play the accordion!

Lastly, our team will be conducting a women's health conference in Pepelari. Breast cancer is the number one killer of women in Bosnia. We will be teaching the women how to give themselves mammograms and teaching them practical ways to ensure that they are keeping themselves as healthy as possible. I am so excited to spend a few days in Pepelari and it has been said that the women will be teaching us folk dances while we are staying there.

Basically, for the next 6 months I will be learning language, teaching English, learning new skills, and trying to make friends with younger people in the city. Jeff and Beth kept telling us longer term interns that their goal for us is to become as independent from them as possible. Therefore, I'm hoping to have a lot of coffee dates and a lot of home visits in the coming months. AND I hope to be able to play you all some awesome folk songs when I get back :D

Thank you all for the prayers and support. I'm only a week in and so excited for the things to come!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Day 1 of this awesome adventure was split between the 12th and 13th as a travel "day." I am beyond exhausted but I am safe and sound in Bosnia.  Here is a little something that recounts the traveling day that was written on the runway in Sarajevo, my final destination:

One of my biggest fears coming into this trip was making the journey to Bosnia alone. I've learned that traveling alone can be a lot fun though. So many nice strangers looked out for me by doing everything ranging from retrieving one of my bags that I left at security and to making sure I got to my gate for my flight even when this man was late for his. Kindness is all around and my faith has (somewhat) been reinstated. It's amazing how God provides in our seemingly biggest times of needs. I've never traveled internationally alone and have been dreading it for weeks. There are just so many things that could happen that could have left me stranded half-way around the world all alone. God has humbled me today. He took me way out of my comfort zone and has dropped me in the mercy of nameless strangers.

So to the guy who climbed half of an escalator to retrieve my forgotten carry-on... thank you. To the kind women who held my hand in the strongest turbulence I've ever experienced... thank you. To the man who put himself at risk of missing his own flight to make sure I got to mine... thank you (my parents probably appreciate it even more than I do!)  Lastly, to my new friend from Moldova, who made my 8 hour flight fun... thank you. Completely blessed by this traveling experience and hoping it's setting the tone for the rest of my 6 months!

Thank you for every thought and prayer as I headed into today. God truly answered in small but significant ways. Please continue pray for me as I go along with through this journey that God has presented me with.

Hold On.

This week, my family relived the day that my aunt was senselessly taken from this world a year ago. I still remember that call, almost to exact verbatim. There I was, in Louisville, for my week-long internship training and I was going to on a plane to Bosnia in less than 3 days. My world froze. The thing I remember feeling the most was helplessness to comfort the ones I love the most in their despair...

Here we are, one year later. Still broken, but still fighting to not let the evil of this world triumph. This year has grown me more than any before. I wasn't very close with my aunt, but I certainly loved her and the ones she loved most. I've felt more emotions than I knew I had the capability of feeling. I've learned to love better and fiercer. I've also learned about the Father and His love for us... finite, angry, messy, prideful, and imperfect humans.

When tragedies happen, why are people so quick to blame God? For the longest time even before my aunt was murder, I was haunted by the question, "Why do horrible things happen to good people?" and "Why would God allow such a thing to happen?" The answer is simple: This world is a cold, evil, and vile place that is "not under" God's authority. This world is Satan's playground and his forces are at work to cause any destruction he can.

Some may look at that answer and think that it is a cop out. However, this is clearly displayed through Jesus' temptation in Luke 4. How did Satan gain His power over the world? People fell to temptation. God is holy, which means "set apart." God cannot have a part in anything unholy. God did not want or allow Michelle to be cruelly murder. God does not desire for us to feel pain, depression, or anger. So, He did something about it and that is what allows me to celebrate Michelle a year later with hope for the future.

God redeemed us and defeated death.... HALLELUJAH! The chains are broken and we are free. Christ went to the cross with the sorrow of a mother that lost her child, with the evil of a dictator that slaughters half of a races population, with the cruelty of the man who took my aunt's life and with every conceivable evil in this world. And you know what that means? He ANNIHILATED it. It is defeated and has no power over those who love Him. He is the rock on which we can stand even through the darkest, most severe storms that this world can throw at us.

In closing, the simple words of an Of Monsters and Men song come to mind when thinking of this past year and wear my family is now:
The rocking of his house
Had me holding on,
But I knew that I was safe
From there on out.
-From Finner by Of Monsters and Men
As Tony Campolo said in one of our school's chapels this year, "It may be Friday, but Sunday is coming!" In other words, we may not see any good in the situation that we are facing in the present, but God has already beat evil. Hope is here, now, and forever. Amen.

God is Sovereign

Bosnia:
A place of beauty.
A place that reminds me to pray for my Muslim brothers and sisters daily.
A place that changed my heart in a BIG way.
A place I will be spending 6 months of 2013 in.

In the end of May/ beginning of June, I plan to leave America to spend 6 months in Bosnia as an internship for my ESL degree. What's crazy about that last sentence is that just 6 months ago, I never thought that I would be saying that. Last summer, I was able to spend an amazing summer there and now that I look back on it, my life was changed. However, while I was actually doing my internship, the only way that I can describe how I felt is to say that I thought I had been dropped on Mars. I was in a place with people that held completely different values and beliefs than other people I had worked with before. The language was much harder for me to pick up than any other one that I had learned before. Finally, I was in a place where I didn't feel my gifts from the Spirit were being used and that feeling alone made me mad, sad, and selfish. Don't get me wrong... I loved the time I had been spending there, but I couldn't help but feel misplaced.

So, why do I desire to go back? Easy. God changed my heart. That may not sound like such an easy process but believe me... it was the easiest transformation I've gone through. I do not have knowledge as to why that is, all I know is that God met me in a very desperate moment. It happened in a time of fasting and prayer on the Muslim calendar near the end of my trip. Our team had committed to fasting for the remainder of the time that we had in Bosnia (10 days) and use the time to grow in discipline and prayer. I had spoken to many people about what I had been feeling all summer and I came to the conclusion to stop whining and start praying. So, I did.

I am constantly amazed by the dimensionless capacity of God's grace. Even when I am nothing but a whiny and pathetic girl, God brings me out of that and sets me back on track. Praying for a heart for Bosnia was one of the strangest experiences I've had. I had never had a prayer answered so quickly and I wasn't sure how to handle the change. Though it was strange, the experience opened my eyes to the power of God and how He grants us the desires of our hearts in His will.

Where am I now? Preparation. The biggest part of preparation, besides praying for God to pave paths for me once I am there, is support raising. As of now, I still have $7763 to raise. For the doubting and human side of me, that number makes my stomach hurt. But for the part of me that holds a lot of faith in the providence of God.

I am so excited for what God has in store for the 6 months that I will be in Bosnia. I will be teaching English while I am there. I ask that you will please pray for God to raise up supporters so that I will be able to go.

Ordering, Sarajevo, and Weddings!

To say that I'm feeling a bit more chipper than a few days ago would be a serious understatement! The past four days have been amazing and I am really thankful for all of the experiences I am getting to have during my time here in Bosnia. I'm left feeling selfish and somewhat embarrassed. My entire view on missions has changed in such a short period of time, and I think that the revelations were really wearing me out. The places I have the most ministry experience are all very charismatic and open to spiritual subjects. So, I just had to put it in my mind that Bosnia is WAY different than anywhere I have ever visited and just sit back and learn from they way that they live.

Something that doesn't seem too exciting but was a big deal to me was ordering a meal at a restaurant all by myself. First, I was given a list of take-out orders and my team sent me and another intern (who also does not speak Bosnian) over to the restaurant down the hill from our house. When we got there, I ordered the first thing on the list but the waitress asked for the paper (clearly I was struggling haha). BUT the big victory came that night when we went out for dinner downtown. Beth and Will (some of the members of the missionary family we are working with) helped me practice how to order the meal I wanted. When it came time, I said what I wanted to eat and drink... and he understood me :D It was an awesome feeling even if it was just a simple food order.

Yesterday, my team got to go spend some time in Bosnia's capital, Sarajevo. What an awesome city! There is so much history here that affected us all. One of the coolest things for me as a history nerd was walking across the bridge where Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. Our team also got to go into a few museums: One about the history of Sarajevo, one about the influence of the Ottoman Empire on the country, and one about the Siege of Sarajevo. The Siege museum was hard to walk through at times. It's hard to believe that such a brutal war went on, and I never learned about it at all growing up. I guess it did happen when I was just a baby but it's strange to me that we didn't learn about it in school. Anyway, it was an amazing day and I learned a lot about the country that I'm living in for the next 5 weeks.

Today was the most fun I've had here so far. Our team was invited to a wedding by one of the families we will be working with this summer. First, we ate... a lot. So much. So much that I thought I was going to bust! Then, we ate cake (you had to pay 10 km per person) and drank coffee. After all of the food stuff was out of the way, we danced!!! It was so much fun, but we were all really bad at it. The first time we tried, the group that we were dancing with broke up and went into another group... I guess we were embarrassingly bad. We kept trying and we actually got the hang of it! I danced in a group where I was the only one who spoke English. I felt pretty nervous at first but the little girl standing next to me keep telling me (in what little Bosnian I know) that I was doing "good" and sometimes she even said "super!" She was a precious little girl with a club foot that was dancing her heart out. At the end of the dance, she patted my arm and smiled. I loved EVERYTHING about today!

Sorry, I know this is a very long post but so many great things have happened in the past few days and I really wanted to share it all! I hope all is well wherever you are and thanks for reading :)

Focus, Fokus, Konsantre.

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
Steven Wright

Though this quote doesn't describe my state of mind 100% accurately, it does simply convey my constant struggle to "be here" all of the time. I get so frustrated with myself when I can't focus on a single task without my mind wandering home. I think I get so frustrated with myself because I didn't struggle with this at all last summer during my time in Haiti. I know that circumstances are different, and I left the country on different terms than I did last year, but I still cannot rap my head around my absentmindedness.

One difference I see is not having time to just "be" with God. Living in a house with 5 other people and having tasks throughout the day doesn't leave much alone time. I find myself building up frustrations and prayers and not giving myself time to sit, be silent, and listen. I've never really had this feeling before, and it is not clear to me how important my "still time" is to me. That's how I refuel. It doesn't matter if I read, pray, sit and stare at a wall, or (my favorite) sing... the point is that I need it. I don't even think I've really had a chance to mourn the things that are happening in my world at home. My heart is heavy and I've been looking for healing in all the wrong places.

I don't write this post to say that I am miserable here, it's quite the opposite actually. I love where I'm at, who I'm working with, and who I am serving. This has been a stretching experience so far, and I really look forward to the rest of the summer. I have laughed a lot, and have loved a lot. I have learned so many new things about myself, my team, and what it is like to live in this country. I've also learned more about God's kingdom and what it will be like when it comes. God has BIG things going in this country and I am humbled by the fact that He let me be a part of this plan for the summer.

However, I do ask for prayer. I pray (and I hope you will to) that God will redirect my thoughts. I NEED to focus on what He has for me here. I pray that I will begin to trust that He will take care of my family while I'm away, and that He will bring justice to the entire situation. I pray that I will find time to just be quiet, and listen for direction from God. Lastly, I pray for opportunities here with the women of the villages we visit. I pray that they feel open with us, and feel comfortable with us. 

More Harm Than Good?

This week, my team took part in CHE training (Community Health Evangelism). CHE is a program that trains missionaries to not create dependency in the community they are working in, but instead boost development, which is sustainable even when the missionaries leave. It is apparently a very effective and well known training program in the mission community, and I am fortunate to be able to take it here in Bosnia. The first few days of training were pretty straight forward, and seemingly elementary, but I stuck with it with a good attitude and I actually gained reality that the work I had done in the past may have been harmful. Everyone likes to think that they go on short term trips and save the world. They think that by giving out food and hygiene bags, they are helping the people in need. Actually, it's basically only helping yourself, and hurting the people you are trying to help. Short term aid creates dependency. By continually entering into someones community and handing out resources, you causing the locals mindset to change and not in a good way. Their mindset changes to one that makes them wait for the materials to be given to them instead of them going out to find ways to get the resources themselves.

This made me think. What are the projects I have taken part of before and how have they hurt the communities I've worked in? Then it hit me... many of the projects I've been a part has been humanitarian aid. So, does this mean that I am so monster that destroys the people I go to serve? I don't think so. But, if I had the knowledge that I do now and continued to create dependency, then I would become a monster. All the things my teams in the past have set out to do were great things... they were just not carried out in an effective manner.

I know that God gives me grace and that He can fill in the cracks that I left in the people that I have worked with so far in my life. I am very thankful that I was able to go through this training in order to see where I have short-comings in my work and how I can fix them in the future. God desires for us to take care of the poor, weak, and vulnerable but there are many ways to love them without causing them to depend on us for all of their needs. I look forward to applying the CHE training to my future mission work.

Other than that, everything is well in Bosnia and I am loving my time here. Please pray for opportunities to fellowship with the Muslims here and pray that our time will feel 100% healthy very soon! I love you all and I am looking forward to "celebrating" my birthday tomorrow!  

Training, Heart Break, Traveling, and First Few Days….

Training was nothing less than brutal (but really). It was 6 ½ days of 15 hours of lectures, classes, language acquisition, games, mall evangelism (which I was not a fan of), and outdoor training (which I was a big fan of). To add to the stress of training, I found out that my aunt, Michelle, had been murder at her workplace and they still do not know who killed her. Needless to say, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I still am. It’s hard to find a second to stop and just talk to God about it. I was extremely thankful that I got to spend some time with my family when they came out and took me to dinner. We just sat around the table and laughed, talked about of memories of Michelle, and talked about this amazing opportunity I have here in Eastern Europe. Please continue to pray for Danny, Carly, and Madeline because they are the ones who carry the most grief from Michelle’s death.



Traveling can be summed up in one word: Obama. President decided to fly into Chicago for a fundraising at the exact same time we were supposed to be speeding down Louisville’s runway heading toward Chicago. We were grounded… and eventually missed our connecting flight from Chicago to Munich. So, we made the most out of our 24 hour layover by getting a room and exploring Chicago a little bit. We made our flight to Munich that evening and had a (semi) smooth ride. Munich’s airport is a little scary, quiet, and well… white. But we made our final flight to our work place right on time. When we finally made it there, the missionaries we will be working with were waiting on us there!



Eastern Europe is: beautiful, green, caffeinated (I have never had this much coffee in my entire life), and welcoming. Every house that we have visited us so far has had a meal waiting for us and coffee to follow. It is amazing how hospitable these people are and how interested they are in why we are there. The thing that has been the hardest to adjust to is taking off your shoes before you go into every house because in America and every other country I’ve visited, people wear shoes into the house. It’s not that foreign of a concept, because I was never allowed to wear shoes in my house growing up but at school I never take my shoes off until I get in my bed (sometimes I don’t even then). Also, the call to prayer from the Mosque right down the hill from us has been hard to grow numb to, but I hope I don’t. I want to commit to pray for the Muslims here every time that I hear it. Other than that, the food is AMAZING, and so are our living arrangements. I love the team that I traveled here with. We laugh all of the time… seriously. This is a hard field to work in (growth wise) but I am excited to see when, how, and where God moves.

Sending love to you all and I hope all is well in America. Like I said before, please pray for Danny Mockbee and his daughters, Carly and Madeline. Their heartbreak is more than I can imagine and I pray that God will give them peace throughout these rough times.

Passion for the Deceived

Let me just begin by saying that this has been the most incredible 5 weeks of my life. I have loved as Jesus called me to, I have learned from the Haitian people and the missionaries here, and I have taught the Haitians some things too.

One of the best things about my job is working with the security and the translators. They have become some of my best friends in the world and I am blessed to have been given the chance to invest in their lives. Most of them are incredible Christ followers, but some also struggle with the strong that Voodoo has in this country. They claim that their is good Voodoo and bad Voodoo and that they are okay because they only participate in the good Voodoo. I found this out in my most recent visit to Ansoleufor. We walked up to the room where they worship a little girl's lost doll, and our security guard started praying quite passionately to the doll. Maybe he was screaming that it was evil and that it had no power, but I sensed some desperation from the man which makes me think that he actually thought this doll could solve his problems. Obviously, I think praying to anyone besides our God, the Almighty is not good. Anyway, they are all awesome and I hope and pray that the ones who are still misguided will see the light and know that Christ is the one sacrifice that we need.

Next I just wanted to apologize that I haven't been writing much. Honestly, there is not a lot of time to breathe around here, let alone blog. But here are some of the things I have been involved with since the last time I wrote:

*I stayed out in Beauchamp for 5 days with two amazing crews! The first couple days were spent working with Eastside from Milford, Ohio. They are AMAZING! They welcomed me into their team and I loved seeing their passion for doing God's work ooze out of them. My last 3 days we spent working with the Southland crew from Lexington, Kentucky. I loved their focus on prayer and how much of an encouragement they were to each other. Both teams worked at the orphanage everyday that weather permitted us to go, and they all did a wonderful job and the kiddies LOVED them so much!
 *I have taken many trips to Tortuga Island in quite a short time! I love it over there because the kids are well-behaved and they are even more chill then on the mainland (and I didn't think Caribbean time could get any relaxed). Plus, it's the pirate capital of the Caribbean....arghhh.
*Ansofleuor is my favorite day trip that we take. It is so dark their because it is the Voodoo capital of the world. Everytime we go, we hike up to the monument where a huge cross once stood. The cross was struck by lightning, broke, and then a doll "fell from the sky." Well, like I said before, they worship this doll. This is such a huge prayer opportunity. These people are blind to the truth that Jesus is the only sacrfice we need and that we should have no other God's besides the awesome one that we serve. I don't think a lot of the groups take this trip seriously enough. We get to walk inside of the temple and stare their "god" in the face and declare that God has supreme power and ask him to fill that place so that there is no room for Voodoo. But I am continually heart broken by the team's lack of passion for fighting Voodoo. We can feed all of the people we want here, but if Voodoo isn't stopped, they will die eternally. We need to start realizing that people are going to Hell everyday and that Jesus gave us the authority to go out and reach all people groups, tongues, and nations. Sorry for my preaching... I am just really passionate about praying against Voodoo, and taking groups there to open up Americans eyes to religion outside of Sunday school.

Anyway, Haiti has definitely made me more open to evangelism and praying with the people I encounter on a regular basis. I love this place.

Please pray for the deceived and that the deceiver would be cast out of this place. Please pray for my fellow interns and all of the staff as we prepare to take in another big group tomorrow. Lastly, please pray for the American's who are coming to Haiti tomorrow. Some have been here before and some are new and about to get the biggest culture shock of their lives. Pray for their hearts and that their eyes would be open to the reality of a strong enemy.

Thanks! I love you all!

They call me teacher.

So many things have happened in the past few days. We already had a full group on campus, and then 70 more high school and college age kids came on the Restore Retreat. Needless to say, living on campus with around 150 has not been easy. I have a full blown case of Haitian Sensation, and travelling to Tortuga yesterday made me quite ill. However, in the midst of the stress and pain, God has given me such joy from the Haitian people.

I help teach an English class across the street at the church on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Honestly, I think these classes have been my favorite thing about Haiti so far. I've gotten to know many of the students in my class. Some of them are doctors, nurses, teachers, and some of the them just want to learn English before they continue on to University or college. The wonderful thing about it is that they know me when I am walking through St. Louis with my groups. They call to me and wave with the biggest smiles on their face. The best part is... I am here for two more months! I can't even imagine what it will be like to walk out the gates in August. If I had to guess, it will be like home! I'm pretty sure I know more people in St. Louis now then I do my own hometown!

Another amazing part about helping with the class is that this is what I want to do with the rest of my life! Yesterday at class, a bunch of Americans came to see what was going on and to help out. The instructor told all of the Americans to stand up and introduce themselves. When it was my turn, I went to stand up but all of the Haitians told me to sit down. They said, you're Haitian (that got many giggles from me and the other Americans) and we know you already teacher. I am their teacher (kind of). I teach them Bible stories, and how to pronounce "sore throat" and a bunch of other fun things. Never would I thought that I would be welcomed in with such love and excitement! Looks like I can do this as a career after all!

Groupies!

Can I just say that I am so tired and I am concerned that I may have transformed into one of those Voodoo zombie things (because I'm pretty sure I look like it!). The reason for my exhaustion is the 75 new additions to campus in the last 36 hours! I have literally been a part in every single ministry on this campus today. I am probably the least medical person here, but they had me stocking all of the shelves in the pharmacy and the lab... I hope I put everything in the right place because if I didn't, it won't be pretty! Anyway, today has been absolutely crazy!

I got to go back to the brothel and jail today! My friend was still in the cell today. He won't be able to go to court until Friday, so I am going to try to go and visit him again before he goes. The brothel was a little intense. Not only were the group's emotions running high but I had to worry about one of the local boys, Alex, getting a little to touchy with me. Sometimes I wish that American boys hit on me 1/8 as much as Haitian boys do hahaha! But yeah, it was a pretty heavy day with the women. I hope to develop relationships with the women at the brothel this summer.

On a lighter note, I got to spend a lot of time in all three main areas of the campus: the baby orphanage, the Miriam Center, and Gran Moun! It was so nice to finally be able to spend some time at all of these places and it was a really awesome opportunity to practice some of my new Creole skills!

Bottom line: I am LOVING Haiti still and I am only two weeks into my journey! I can see that long term missions is in God's plans for my life, which is very exciting! My favorite part about being here so far is that I am starting to make friends in the community. I can go to the English classes across the street or down to the market and see all of my new friends, old and young. It is nice knowing that I have more than 2 weeks with all of these wonderful Haitians!

Prayer Requests:
*I had the privilege to lead a young man to Christ on Monday. I would just ask you to pray for him and his new walk with Christ.
*The English class that I am helping to teach every other day.
*All of the people that the teams will be working with this week!

Love ya'll!

Training Week = Craziness!

Hello everyone!

Wow! The past ten days have been absolutely amazing and intense. I started off my journey with flight delays, an overnight in JFK and my bags being sent to the wrong airport. Luckily, I was not alone on this adventure! I had my fellow intern, Marion, along for the journey and we had a ton of fun. The surprise 24 hours we spent together in airports included funny accents, him almost being kidnapped, seeing Fergie, and riding the airtrain around JFK to every terminal around 6 times. Needless to say, we became fast friends. Then we finally arrived to Ft. Lauderdale for 3 days of training before heading to Haiti, and we found ourselves bag-less. Turns out, they were sent to Miami... but they sent them to us the next day! Our 3 days in Ft. Lauderdale were amazing and fun! I love everyone on my team and we are going to have an amazing summer.

We landed in Haiti on Sunday morning and we were to the mission by lunch! We were so blessed to have such an easy travel day! This began our week of intense training that included going to every campus the mission had around the Northwest region. Monday, we hiked to the waterfall and enjoyed so nice quiet time there. Tuesday was Beauchamp and the orphanage. We were on a taptap for 6 hours that day but it didn't stop us from having a great time with the kids. I saw Guyvenson at the orphanage!!!!!!!!! And he remembered me :) Oh I love that child! I hope to see him a lot this summer. Wednesday was Tortuga Island! This was my first time there and I loved the boat ride and the children. I had a little buddy and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't answer my questions. Marion informed my that she was deaf, so that just meant that from that point on we exchanged a lot of smiles and hugs! Unfortunately, I had the "Haitian Sensation"on Thursday and did not get to go with the group to all things Port-au-Paix, but I'm sure an opportunity will arise from somewhere to go there!

Friday was Ansefoleur. I had been to this place before but it was full of sadness and fear when I had gone with my other group. We hiked up to the monument were the huge cross had stood before and we prayed while Voodoo rituals and prayers were being performed around us. Next we went to the temple and Melonnie encouraged us to approach the temple with a different attitude than the others who had lead me in before did. She told us that these people think that they are praying to the same God we are and they would be happy to have us in there. Before, we were told that they hated us and thought that we were evil. Going in with this brand new attitude changed everything for me. I was greeted with smiles and welcomes. It was nothing like what I had remembered it being. One thing had not changed... it was heartbreaking. These people think that praying to a little girl's doll will help them and Satan is running rampant here and all over Haiti. The practice of Voodoo is truly the saddest thing I have ever witnessed. It offers no hope what so ever. After we left the temple, we walked down the street to this tiny little restaurant that had the BEST food ever!

Yesterday was just one of many beach days! We went out to visit Grant and Natasha and toured La Baie's campus. Then we went on the boat over to the private and most beautiful beach I have every been to! Ivenor led us into a cave and we scared the next group when they landed! It was so great to just be able to have fun with all of the staff that was there and to just relax for a little bit. Today was our first day off since I left Kentucky! Church was great (as always) and then we had a staff beach barbecue this afternoon! I love being here and being a part of Northwest's team! Groups arrive on Tuesday and I am ready to get to work :)

Closing thoughts: This has been a long blog and these are just really general glances into all of my experiences thus far! But I do want to let you know that IT HAS BEEN SOOOOO GOOD TO LOVE ON SOME HAITIANS AGAIN! It has been way too long. And God is kicking my butt here. One of the best things so far has been our group devos with our daily themed scriptures. Everyone has really challenged me here and I am definitely being called to do something greater. Please pray for me and my team and our "heart issues" that we are discovering! Really hitting Philippians 2 hard! But I am proud of the interns because no one has complained once since we've been here and it has been a really long and trying week!

Love you all and please keep praying :)
Britt

Embracing Change

As of 30 minutes ago, there is only 2 short weeks that seperate me and Haiti! I am so excited to be able to have the opportunity to serve in a country that captured my heart 2 years ago! However, this experience is completely new to me. I trying to figure out things that I will need to survive in a third world country for almost 3 months, making my rounds to family and friends who want to spend time with me before I go, and mentally preparing myself for life outside of this country for period of time that far exceeds my previous 14 day trips.

My mind is not completely focused on my trip yet. Today was full of goodbyes, just for the summer and some of them were for good. Johnson has blessed me with so many amazing people to walk with in my journey in faith, but I can't help but feel sad and angry when they are taken away so quickly. Being away from people such as Gretchen and Kate for 3 months is going to be hard enough! On top of that, I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends in the world, Chanelle, for good. She has big things in store for her, but I am very sad she will not be a part of my life everyday like she has been for the past year. She has truly blessed me on so many levels and she has been a huge source of encouragement for my trip to Haiti! I am so blessed to have such people in my life, and I know that God has a plan for all of these friendships.

Back to Haiti! I feel like the past 3 months have flown by too fast! It shouldn't be time to pack my bags yet or stock up on granola bars... yikes. I am so nervous about the trip. What if I get sick? What if I'm not cut out for long-term missions? Will god be able to use me as an effective loving vessel to the people of Haiti? I desire nothing more than to be that... a loving vessel. After all, the two greatest commandments are love God and love others. If there is a will, there's a way, right? I sure do hope so! All I can do is be available, which I feel like going to Haiti will mean I am available to do His work, and to be obedient. Please pray for my nerves and my willingness to be obedient to anything God wants me to do this summer! Thank you all for your support and love :) Blessings to everyone!

Channeling Esther

Today in History of Israel, our topic was the book of Esther. Esther is one of my favorite stories in the Old Testamnet, and probably the entire Bible. There is so much courage displayed throughout the ten chapters, courage of a seemingly normal Jewish girl.

Esther was choosen to be a canidate King Xerxes' search for a new queen. The story continues with plots to kill Esther's cousin, Mordecai, and her people, the Jews by the King's most trusted advisor, Haman. One of my favorite lines from the story is when Mordecai is urging Esther to go plead for the salvation of the Jews from the coming execution. She is afraid because she knows that if she goes to the King without being invited, she could be killed on the spot. However, Mordecai urges her by saying that she might have been placed in royalty "for such a time as this."

Let's stop there. God has plans for our lives if we allow him to have control. God's plans passionately pursue his followers, and cannot be missed. Like Esther, we have a choice to obey or to walk away. People time and time again say that they never know what God wants to do with their lives. It's hard to hear God's will when you are not listening for it. Therefore, as Christ followers, we are called to first be avaiable, and then be obedient. Esther was obedient to death. She knew the consequences, yet she continued in faith that she was in God's will.

As many of you already know, Esther lives and she delivers the Jews out of the evil, murderous hands of Haman. She had faith in BIG God who can do MASSIVE things.

I am going to Haiti this summer on an internship with Northwest Haiti Christian Mission. Though I am extremely nervous about this experience that is totally foreign to me, I find peace that this is what God is calling me to do with my summer. The story of Esther has been a complete blessing to me because though I am not saving a race of people in Syria, I am going to discipling believers in one of the world's darkest countries. However, I feel God has placed this burden on my heart of the Haitians, and that He is the one who has made a way for me to get there, just like he made the way through royalty for Esther. Who knows, maybe God has called me to Haiti "for such a time as this!" The only way to find out is to be obedient to his call by going and working hard to build His kingdom.

God Bless :)